Doing Better, Part 2

Last year I wrote about the inspiration I get from my kids to be better and try harder.  Lately I have been unusually overwhelmed by the amount of self-improvement I want to accomplish, and I've been really exhausted by the questions that won't stop asking themselves over and over again in my head.  Perhaps this is part of growing up, this constant nagging of oneself.  Perhaps this is one of the markers of adulthood - like having your own washer and dryer or hosting a big holiday at your house.

In the recent insomnia and chaos that wants to take over me, I've been thinking a lot more about improvements I want to make in my personal life.  Here are the top five things that I'm desperately interested in getting better at: {help!}

1. Letting go.  When things go wrong I grin and bear it and say things like "That's ok," or "No worries," or "I'm over it." Spoiler alert: I'm not over it.  I try to fool people that I am in order to decrease friction, maintain good relationships, and keep things moving along.  I even try to fool myself but it doesn't often work.  When some idiot driver nearly slams into me or a pedestrian walks right in front of my car in the middle of the street, for example, I get extremely angry.  I may not always scream and holler, and I may keep driving as if nothing's wrong, but I am fuming.  These commuter annoyances, like many of the things I struggle to let go of, are a daily occurrence.  So shouldn't I be able to just honk and move on with my life like every other New Yorker? (Ha!) My blood boils for several minutes as I fake being cool.  The "fake it till you make it" thing is not working, or at the very least the "make it" part is taking forever.  How do I learn how to chill out and let go for real? 
2. Organization.  At times my stuff seems to be everywhere.  Doesn't everyone need to be better at this?  
3. Sleeping.  I've always been a bad sleeper, but lately it's gotten progressively worse.  It seems to take me eons to fall asleep and/or go back to sleep.  How the heck do you get better Zs without medicating?  
4. Running.  I am the worst runner, possibly ever.  You know those ads and pictures you see of girls running?  Their hair is bouncing in a pretty ponytail, they look tall, determined,  and strong of mind and body?  Yeah, I don't look like that.  {I look like this.} What I do outside on the pavement cannot actually be considered running, so I don't know why I call it that.  Also, I hate running so I don't even know why I want to be better at it, but I do, and I think that relates directly to....
5. Being bad.  I don't mean coloring outside the lines or breaking the rules once in a while.  I mean genuinely sucking at something and doing it anyway.  For most of my life I have had an intuitively good sense of where my talents lie and where I am essentially useless.  Like most people (?), I don't generally relish doing something I'm awful at.  I don't mind trying, but if it's not going my way I'd rather move on and try something else.  Being a teacher has helped.  I tell my kids to persevere, to strive for growth instead of perfection, and that there is value in the struggle, value in old-fashioned elbow grease and hard work.  I have no choice but to model these philosophies in my professional life.  My kids have to learn, and if I'm no good at what they need me to do, I have to try to get better, and keep trying. But just doing it in my teacher life is no longer enough; I want to be the kind of person who is ok with failing every once in a while.  How do you aim for better while being ok with the fact that sometimes you're bad? 

Our school recently had a class competition where the grand prize was a fun field trip to do an indoor sports arena.  Earlier this week the kids from one of my classes were gathered around looking at the tally sheet for their class, pointing and smiling at their score.

"Look, Ms. Haskell, we're doing better!"
Another child shrugged and added, "We're not going to win, but we've gone up a lot lately." 

They were right - they didn't win.  Not even close.  But they were happy with improvement. They were happy to try.  So that afternoon when I got home, I begrudgingly laced up my sneakers and went outside for a "run."  Maybe this self-improvement game is part of growing up.  But people, it comes with some serious growing pains.  {And some minor shin splints.}  

Already?

Thanksgiving was all it's cracked up to be and more.  Now, we have been back in Brooklyn for a week, and life is still pretty great.  Though I was saddled with Mike's cold, I consider this week to have been a good one.  Lola turned a year, and we celebrating by giving her extra treats and a pink elephant squeaky toy with "happy birthday" embroidered on the side.  In dog food terms, she's an adult.  No more puppy food.  Unreal. 

I cannot believe that today is December 3.  It doesn't seem possible that I've been with this class of kids for almost four months, or that I'll be in Hawaii (with Rachel!) in a mere twenty days.  To me, it seems as though this school year just started, that fall hasn't yet ended, and that Christmas is a million miles away.  But it didn't, it has, and it isn't.  We're well on our way to 2011, the year in which I'll officially be "mid-twenties," the year we'll get married.  Only a few years ago, both these impending concepts seemed absurd.  The other day I got to talk to Rachel for a while and she made a very salient point: the older we get, the faster time seems to pass.  Though it feels unfair at times, I take the phenomenon as a very good sign; we're growing up, we're growing in, and what will define us and our lives is slowly beginning to materialize.  

The way I see it...

When you love your job, you love your life.  Ten years ago if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I probably would change my answer every couple of hours, or simply say, "no clue."  I'm amazed daily by how happy I am at work, and how much better I can cope with craziness than I could two years ago.  How does someone like me, with great academic promise but little direction, find their vocation immediately after finishing college?  No clue.

Here's the scary part though; I realize that I will probably never feel like a great teacher, and that I will fail on a daily basis as long as I remain in the profession.  I also realize that it's actually this exact sentiment that's one component of good teaching, but I'm not the type to be able to sustain it for an entire career.  I'm not that resilient (and quite frankly I don't think many people are that resilient...hence the surplus of bad teachers who are allowed to slip by in their laziness or lack of work ethic).  Ten more years I can probably do...and try to do well.  But twenty or thirty or, holy cannoli, forty...no way.  The whole career change thing, years in the future though it may be, is daunting.

I frequently refer to teaching as my vocation, rather than my profession, because it feels like the only thing I can even consider doing right now.  I can only hope that when the time comes to put down the chalk, I'll find something else to love.  Because really...when you love your job, you can't help but love your life.